Thursday, October 2, 2008
Let me Introduce you... this is Mr. Rosser.
Over the last year or so I've had the chance to get to know and become good friends with Mr. Billy Rosser. Here is his story.
Gordo: Well, Billy Rosser… What inspired you to go to school for wine?
Rosser: To be completely honest, um… Someone told me I could be a drunk, and get paid for it.
Gordo: What is your favorite bottle of wine? Make, Model and year.
Rosser: I really should say something expensive but I’m actually going to say something shitty and cheap.
Gordo: Two buck Chuck?
Rosser: I love their Sauvignon Blanc you got me. Any year, its all Calafornia blended. From start to finish it’s the best wine on the market. Hands down.
Gordo: Charles Shaw?
Gordo: Alright… Two buck chuck. Red or white?
Rosser: Red usually. Unless it’s two dollars, and then it’s the Charles Shaw Sauvignon Blanc. Ice cold. Preferably on ice.
Gordo: Wow, on ice?
Gordo: What is wine, on ice, with soda water? That has a name right?
Gordo: Yeah yeah. If you could be sponsored by a Vineyard, who would it be?
Rosser: Ahh fuck… these questions are fuckin curve balls man!
Gordo: We’re talking paychecks, photo incentive… we’re talking product. But you basically need to be how Shawn White is to Target. Fully blow it out. You have to be the poster boy for this Vineyard.
Rosser: AHH, Fuck am I in it for the money or am I in it for the cred?
Gordo: That’s the question you need to ask yourself.
Rosser: Well, if I’m in it for the money I’m goin for the fuckin Château Rothschild, which is the Ferrari of wine.
Gordo: Shat-toe Roth-Child?
Rosser: Rothchild. I’m butchering it. They have a couple different vineyards. BUT, if I was gonna go the way of my heart I would be skating for Charles Shaw.
Gordo: Fuck it. Skate for Chuck.
Rosser: Charles Shaw is basically the Pabst Blue Ribbon of wine.
Gordo: So is it more like Anit-hero or like Natural Koncepts?
Rosser: It’s way kookier then Anit-hero would ever be, so its more like Natural Koncepts.
Gordo: It’s the Natural Koncepts of wine? Sick. Sick. Um… Fruit or cheese?
Rosser: Cheese…. Fruit just gives me the shits man.
Gordo: Goat, Sheep or Cow?
Rosser: I’m gonna have to go with Goat.
Gordo: Excellent. That is what you’re eating right now. (as I point at a small plate of goat cheese and crackers that I set out on my coffee table for the interview)
Gordo: So my friend Noah (DAF) told me this story, about bums in Santa Cruz that were drinking Gasoline and Milk. One part gasoline to three parts milk. They said the milk coated your stomach so the gas wouldn’t kill you, but you got super fucked up. Do you think that’s possible?
Gordo: Would you drink that?
Rosser: Yeah. Probably.
Gordo: Have you ever heard of a Chicken Milk Bomb? Do you have any idea what it is?
Rosser: Chicken Milk Bomb?
Gordo: Or a Roach Bomb?
Rosser: No. Chicken? What would a Chicken be? Do you shit in a beer and give it to someone?
Gordo: No. You take a two-litter bottle, you shove pieces of chicken into it and then pour about two cups of milk in, then cap it, then you hide it.
Rosser: Oh god!
Gordo: As the meat rots and the milk goes bad it fills the bottle with gas that will make it pop. It happens over a long period of time.
Rosser: It blows the cap off?
Gordo: No. Well… maybe. See you hide it. Lets say your landlord fucked you over and you needed to move out because of some lame crap? You could make one and hide it in an air vent or inside the drywall. They’ll end up ripping down every wall in the house before they find out were the smell is coming from.
Rosser: Man, this is some Maryland call out shit, but when I worked at Giant (foods), we would knock open ceiling tiles and throw whole raw chickens into the ceiling, and take the broom and knock it back over.
Gordo: Did you work at night or during the day?
Rosser: During the day.
Gordo: You would do that during the day?
Rosser: Well… around 9pm when no one was around. We would come up with tons of shit because we were so bored. We would hide banana peels around the store and check on them from time to time for development.
Gordo: Who just texted you?
Rosser: Some chick.
Gordo: Does she know she’s part of the interview now?
Rosser: She does. (laughing)
Gordo: Text her right now “how many stairs have you ollied?” That’s your next question.
Rosser: I believe the answer will be one. Me, 5. When I was a kid huck. I mean, my shit is I skate ledges man. But here you’re a kid you don’t know the difference. Saving your body. I would say the most I ever hucked myself off of was the Glen Burnie 11.
Gordo: WOW! Glen Burnie High! Callin it out!
Rosser: I don’t think I ever landed it. I blame Glen Burnie High School for every problem I have, Physically.
Gordo: Which you should. Do you think Bobby is ever going to ollie Canadian Embassy?
Gordo: If Bobby didn’t, who do you think will be the next to attempt it?
Rosser: (still I don’t want to impede on some secret shit, but Zach Lyons really tries to keep this a secret, but in his “Behind the Griptape” he uses footage of someone else ollieing it, but I saw him ollie Canadian Embassy. He is one of the gnarliest people I have ever seen ride a skateboard. He tries to pull this art-fag bullshit but I know that dude is gnarly.
Gordo: So Bobby should just give it up?
Rosser: Actually! Zach ollied it because Cameron, future Zach, ollied it first.
Gordo: Future Zach?
Rosser: Yeah. Cameron. Zach’s older brother. (still texting some chick on his cell phone).
Gordo: Could you walk us through a perfect day with Billy Rosser?
Rosser: wake up, vomit, drink two beers, eat a burrito, vomit, drink two more beers, it’s probably about 7 or 8 at night…
Gordo: Is that when you wake up?
Rosser: No I probably woke up around 6(pm). So Wake up, vomit, drink, eat, vomit… perfect day, it’s a Sunday, you’re working at Pops. Perfect day, I go to Pops, I puke at 3, I’m out from 8pm to 3 in the morning. Perfect day. I’d fall asleep vomiting in Danny’s bed and not feel any regret.
Gordo: So you’ve been living the perfect day for the last three weeks. Any final words?
Rosser: Can I get another beer?
So there he is. Now you have met... Mr. Rosser. What can I say... dude likes wine.